Rating: 4 out of 5
I always find it funny when people say that they’ve never seen a single episode of Game of Thrones. It’s like hearing someone say that they’ve never had ice cream. Lahat na ng tao sinasabing masarap ang ice cream. Siguro may mga taong hindi mahilig pero sigurado ako wala kang taong maihaharap sakin na magsasabing hindi masarap ang ice cream. (Kung meron man, sampalin mo kasi mali siya.)
So if you’ve gone 7 years without “Game of Thrones”, I guess you’re probably doing fine without it. But still the burning question remains: Hindi ka ba nacucurious tikman man lang? But if you’re reading this right now, I’m guessing that you’re one of the many who love the show and wouldn’t you agree that it’s glorious? If “Game of Thrones” is an ice cream, it’s the best freakin’ ice cream you’ll ever taste.
As usual, spoilers are inevitable when discussing “Game of Thrones” so consider yourself warned. Shall we begin?
You’re A Dragon, Be A Dragon
This week’s episode opens with Daenerys meeting with Tyrion and Varys to discuss how to take back Westeros from Cersei and the Lannisters. Then Melisandre comes back out of nowhere to talk about prophecy. A prophecy that can only be fulfilled with the help of Jon Snow. So with Tyrion convincing her, Daenerys decides to summon Jon Snow to Dragonstone to “bend a knee”. Can you imagine how Jon will take that suggestion when they finally meet? I’m sure he’s not going to be very happy to do that.
Back in her war room, Daenerys then discusses her course of attack with her small council. This motley crew includes Tyrion Lannister, Yara Greyjoy, the eunuch formerly known as Reek, the other eunuch known as Varys, Olenna Tyrell the sassiest grandma in Westeros, and Ellaria “swings both ways” Sand. They want her to be more vicious and ruthless, but she says she doesn’t want to be the “queen of the ashes”. Tyrion then shares their plan to the council, which is to lay siege on King’s Landing and attack Casterly Rock both at the same time.
What’s interesting about this is how Cersei is trying to convince the lords in King’s Landing that Daenerys is a ruthless leader when Daenerys on the other hand is trying so hard not to be. We also find out their plan to counter Dany’s dragons and this plan just happens to be a big ass crossbow. Hindi naman sa kinakampihan ko si Cersei ah pero sana talaga meron silang back up plan kasi unless gumawa sila ng sandamakmak na higanteng crossbow, tingin ko hindi sapat yun. Pero tingnan natin baka mali ako.
Littlefinger’s Big Balls
Back in Winterfell, Jon Snow receives a letter from Tyrion asking him to meet with Daenerys in Dragonstone. Naturally, Sansa and Jon’s bannermen are against this meetup fearing that this is all just a ruse. Tyrion is still a Lannister afterall. It’s actually pretty telling that even Lady Mormont who has had Jon’s back all this time is against it. But Jon prevails by stating a simple fact: fire kills wights, dragons breathe fire. So Jon decides to go Dragonstone with Ser Davos leaving Sansa in charge. (By the way, ako lang ba ang nakapansin na parang laging may trangkaso ang itsura nitong si Sansa? Dahil ba malamig sa Winterfell at lagi siyang sinisipon?)
But before he leaves, he visits the grave of Ned Stark. Only to find out that Petyr Baelish has followed him and for some reason is now talking to him. The look on Jon’s face says it all. He had that “why the f*ck is this mustache even talking to me right now?” look. But the best part was when Baelish actually told Jon these words: “I love Sansa, as I loved her mother.” WOW. Check out the balls on Littlefinger! Ang lakas ng loob diba?! Maliit lang pala ang finger niya pero malaki pala ang balls niya ah! Ikaw ba sabihan ng ganyan ng lalaking bugaw ng mga prostitute from seasons 1-5 hindi mo ba sasakalin? I think the lesson we all learned here is to never confess your love for someone’s mother and sister unless you want to get choked out.
Arya has found her way to a tavern and has met up with her long lost friend, Hot Pie. Kung anong nangyari kay Ed Sheeran hindi na natin alam. Pero sa pagkakakilala natin kay Arya, pupusta akong marami nang gripo sa iba’t ibang parte ng katawan yun lalo na sa lalamunan. Anyway, it’s Hot Pie who tells Arya that Jon Snow has taken the North. So instead of going to King’s Landing, Arya decides to head north. That’s when she gets ambushed in the middle of the forest by a pack of wild wolves.
At this point, only two things are running through my mind: 1.) Ang sayang ending sa kwento nito ni Arya kung kakainin lang pala siya ng mga wolves na parang Alpo. 2.) Imagine the damage Arya could do running with a pack of wild wolves. But she recognizes the direwolf as Nymeria, her long lost pet from season one. She tries to convince Nymeria to go back with her to Winterfell but Nymeria says no. (Paano ko alam? Tumalikod siya e. Hindi ako si Cesar Millan but I guess that’s as clear a “no” as you can get from a freakin’ dog.) That’s when Arya realizes that like her, domestication is not for Nymeria as well. So will she still go back to Winterfell? Or will she continue with her mission to kill Cersei? We’ll see, but I’m guessing she goes for Cersei.
Back at the Citadel, Samwell Tarly cleaner of pots and pans and server of food is trying to find a cure for Jorah Mormont’s affliction. Apparently he found something from a book in the previous episode that could potentially heal Jorah, but also puts himself at risk of getting infected. So under the cover of night and only with rum and stick of wood as anesthetic, they do the operation. An operation which apparently involves ACTUALLY SCRAPING ALL THE GREYSCALE OFF OF JORAH”S SKIN!
I often avoid saying profanities in my reviews, but do you guys realize how fucking painful that sounds?! Isipin mo natalisod ka tapos yung buong katawan mo nasugatan. As in literally buong dibdib mo nagkaron ng sugat. Tapos natuyo na yung sugat kaya scab na siya ngayon. Tapos tutungkabin mo yung scab na yan ngayon sa buong katawan mo. Can you imagine how excruciating that is?! Para kang tinutuli ng paulit-ulit ng matabang bunot ang buhok na walang experience magtuli. If Jorah somehow survives this, I hope he does get to be with Dany in the end. He’s a better man than all of us combined.
Misandei and Greyworm Finally Swipe Right!
FINALLY!!! Missandei and Greyworm are like your friends who you know have always had the hots for each other but for some reason have never hooked up before. Torpe si Greyworm e! Pero masisisi mo ba siya? Torpe ka rin siguro if you’re missing a few man parts down there. Imagine having to successfully seduce someone then fall short when it’s actually time to perform. And there’s no way for you not to fall short because you don’t have the goods to begin with! They finally hooked up in this episode pagkatapos mag fish ng mag fish ni Misandei kay Greyworm. (Alam mo namang type ka obvious naman e!) But apparently whatever this guy lacks in equipment, he makes up for it in words because Missandei swoons when Greyworm tells her that she’s his only weakness.
Ano kayang nararamdaman ni Greyworm sa mga oras na yun? Obviously di siya nagkakaron ng erection diba? So ano ba nararamdaman niya diyan, ninenerbyos lang ba siya na parang sasakay ng Space Shuttle sa Enchanted Kingdom tapos pag nasa taas na siya malalaman niyang sira yung seatbelt? Is he technically still a virgin since there was no actual penetration?
These, along with “why the hell did you think it was necessary to give us a Hodor nude scene” are the important things about “Game of Thrones” that I would like to ask George R.R. Martin if I am ever given the chance.
The Return of Reek
The highlight of this episode of course was the naval battle in the end between the Greyjoys. In one corner, we have the almost-incest siblings Theon and Yara. In the other corner, we have Euron Greyjoy who looks like a cross between George Estregan Jr. and a walrus. Just before Ellaria Sand and Yara Greyjoy get to second base, Euron Greyjoy attacks their ship with another big ass ship. Now this is the part I don’t really get, kung ganun kalaki yung barko ni Euron, paano siya nakalapit ng ganun kila Theon ng hindi napapansin? Pero sige, let’s just chalk it up to theatrics.
So a battle ensues between both their navies and Euron manages to kill two daughters of Oberyn Martell. This whole time Euron does that typical villain cliche where you laugh maniacally while your face is covered in blood. Yung mismong pinerfect ni George Estregan Jr. bago siya manggahasa sa mga pelikula niya. Euron then goes one-on-one with Yara and defeats her and dares Theon to fight him and save her. Anong ginawa nitong gagong Theon? HE WENT FULL ON REEK MODE AND JUMPED OFF THE SHIP! Hayup tong si Theon. Medyo natakot na ko nung biglang hindi nanaman pantay yung laki ng mata niya at nanginginig nginig siya e. Apparently, once you go Reek, you’ll always be Reek.
The second episode of Game of Thrones was definitely much more eventful than the premiere. But it actually makes you feel like the show is winding down because things are moving at a much faster pace than what we’ve been accustomed to. Kung chess ‘to, kita mong unti-unti nang nauubos yung mga pieces sa board e. But what’s great about this episode is that despite some of the major things that happened during its course, it’s still just a set up for the events in the next episodes! Events that carry far more importance and will sure to shake up the storyline this season and the next.
So what do we look forward to in the next episode? We finally know what Euron’s “gift” for Cersei is, but how will Cersei receive this gift? Will Arya finally reach Winterfell? How will Sansa fare in Jon’s absence? Will Jon Snow and Daenerys Targaryen finally meet?! More importantly, buhay pa ba si Jorah at may balat pa ba siyang natitira?!
Don’t you feel a little bit bad for those who don’t watch it?