The latest trailer for Season 7 of Game of Thrones dropped last week and in a span of only a few days, it’s already set the record as the most watched TV trailer in all of YouTube with close to 21 million views. Which only proves that yes, ladies and gentlemen, Game of Thrones is still the biggest damn show in all of television. (Kung hindi ka pa rin nanunuod, meron ka pang isang buwan para mag binge-watch ng roughly 60 hours worth of Game of Thrones episodes kaya buti pa simulan mo na!)
It’s been a year since we’ve been to the wonderful and murderous world of Westeros and it’s about f$#%ing damn time that we go back! My wife is set to give birth to our first child a few months from now and aside from that and Game of Thrones, I don’t think there’s any other event I’m excited for this year. (Saan ako mas excited? Sa Ga… sa anak ko siyempre! Wag niyo nga akong pinapahamak ng ganyan sa asawa ko! Excited akong mameet ang anak naming si Cersei siyempre!)
While we wait for the premiere which happens on July 7, 2017, we’ll have to make do with a very exciting 1:48 trailer of the show. Here are just some of the things that I liked about it.
The trailer starts with Cersei, probably the biggest bitch in all of television, declaring that the Lannisters will destroy all their enemies from the east (Dany and her army obviously), from the south (the Tyrells and the Dornish obviously), from the west, and the north. But what’s interesting is when she says from “the west” what we’re shown is this monstrosity:
I’m assuming this is Euron Greyjoy’s ship, right? Hindi ko alam kung gaano ka-practical na may pakpak yung barko niya (mas mabilis siguro) pero in terms of a how freaking cool it looks, I’m all for it even though in the short span of time na nakilala natin si Euron, he’s proven to be one of the biggest assholes in a world full of big assholes.
And when Cersei says “the north”, we see this badass:
You were expecting to see Jon Snow, maybe? The story of Arya has for the most part been isolated from the rest of what’s happening in Game of Thrones so it’s interesting to see how she’ll get back into the picture. Cersei has stepped on a lot of toes in all of the Seven Kingdoms but it’s Arya that has the biggest beef with her. The greatest thing about all this? Cersei doesn’t even know Arya’s coming for her. (Maybe I should name my daughter Arya instead of Cersei? Ano sa tingin niyo?)
And while she’s doing this speech of hers, this is the look on Jaime’s face.
He has that “I knew she was crazy but I never knew she was this crazy!” comical look in his face. If there’s a moral lesson we can learn from Game of Thrones, it’s this: any sister of yours who’s crazy enough to let you fuck her, is too batshit crazy.
Also: don’t fuck your sister.
Cersei thinks they’re the last of the Lannisters that matter and that’s mainly because she doesn’t know that Tyrion is still alive. (Or does she?) In any case, she’s not exactly wrong. Although Tyrion has been serving Daenerys as the Hand of the Queen, he hasn’t exactly been the focal point of the story in the last couple of seasons has he? He’s just been cog in a machine. An important cog, surely but still a cog nonetheless. How does Tyrion figure into the story moving forward? We’ll see soon enough.
From here on out, the trailer only gets better.
Dany is finally in Westeros! She seems to have inherited Dragonstone, the ancient Targaryen stronghold where Stannis has been shacking up with Melisandre in the last few seasons. Now as thrones go, is there anything more badass than the throne Dany is sitting on in the picture above?! Oo, astig yung throne sa King’s Landing pero Dany’s throne looks like it came from f%$ing Planet Krypton! (Bakit ba hindi komportable ang mga upuan sa Game of Thrones? Ano kayang itsura ng inidoro nila, matalas yung toilet seat para bilisan mo?!)
“I was destined to rule the Seven Kingdoms. And I will.” Dany says. Seems prophetic, no?
Up in the north, Game of Thrones’ official pedophiliac uncle Littlefinger is still whispering poisonous words into Sansa’s ear. “Your father and brothers are gone, yet here you stand. Last best hope against the coming storm.” Si Littlefinger yung kabarkada mong pinipilit ka pang uminom kahit alam niyang isang shot na lang susuka ka na tapos bubulungan ka ng “Sige paaaa… kaya mo yaaaaaan…” (Sansa seems like a good name for a daughter, right? No?)
And then in a later scene we get this gem of a gif:
Jon Snow just choked and slammed the shit out of Littlefinger! I don’t know what finally caused him to do so but there are many reasons to choke the hell out of Littlefinger and all of them are valid. “Nakakainis na yang bigote mong manipis bakit ba ayaw mong ahitin?!?” would also be a valid reason to slam him against the wall.
If I were a betting man, I’d say it’s Theon who gets the ax next season. He’s been so depressed the last couple of seasons since he lost his “Greyjoy” and if the trailer is any indication, things are looking kinda bleak for my third favorite eunuch in this show (for the record Varys is #1 and Greyworm is #2). Don’t believe me?
That look on Theon’s face and the fire behind him seems to indicate that he’s involved in the battle pictured above. Has Euron finally caught up with him? If Game of Thrones has proven anything, it’s that dickery is genetic. How else would you explain the Greyjoys?
Next we find ourselves presumably North of the Wall:
Not sure who these guys are but they look like Wildlings running away from someone or something. The Night King perhaps? Why the hell would you find yourselves North of the Wall when you know the kind of abominable shit that exists there?! Parang sinabi sayo ni Waze na wag kang mag EDSA dahil may tumaob na truck ng baboy at nagkalat ang mga nakawalang baboy sa kahabaan ng EDSA pero di ka pa rin nakinig.
Hindi rin makakatulong yang formation na yan! Para lang kayong nag Trip to Jerusalem!
And then a few scenes later we get to this scene:
Now I know that the Dothraki’s do things differently than other races but this is just crazy. Nakatungtong sa kabayo e! Season 6 gave us a lot of great battle scenes most notably the “Bastardbowl” between Jon and Ramsay but in Season 7, the one where “Dothraki’s jump from one freakin’ horse to another” seems to be one of the battles to watch out for.
Speaking of battles, another one to watch out for is this one:
It seems like the Unsullied has finally invaded the Lannister stronghold of Casterly Rock! Forgive me if I’m wrong but have we ever seen Casterly Rock in Game of Thrones before? Can you imagine how much bigger of a bitch Cersei will be if the Unsullied takes away Casterly Rock from the Lannisters?
Things aren’t looking great for Cersei unless this monster gets involved in the battle somehow:
What. The. Fak. As if the zombified version of the Mountain wasn’t already terrifying to begin with, they seem to have upgraded his armor. “Hindi ka pa masyadong nakakatakot. Kailangan ilang metro pa lang ang layo mo naiihi na sila. Mag suot ka ng black!” sabi siguro ni Cersei. We all hated the “shame nun” of the High Sparrow but I still can’t get over the idea that she got raped by Zombie Clegane.
Speaking of zombies:
Unless all the years of Tyrion being intimate with prostitutes has finally caught up with him, the rotting, scaly flesh seen above has to be from Jorah Mormont. He seems to be locked up in a prison of some sort and he’s trying to reach out for something. Pero ang mas malungkot niyan, mas may pag-asa pa siya sigurong makaalis diyan sa kulungan na yan kesa sa Friendzone.
Speaking of coming out of the Friendzone, we got these twin scenes of implied sex because Game of Thrones wouldn’t be Game of Thrones without sex:
First question, paano makikipag-sex si Greyworm with him being a eunuch and all? Nung una, nagpaboso ka habang naliligo ka sa ilog tapos ngayon hinuhuburan mo si Greyworm! Hindi ba parang tinatakam mo na lang siya niyan at this point Missandei?
Also, why is Yara Greyjoy making out with Ellaria Sand? What the hell is going on?! And where are the dragons?! I want to see some dragons!!!
And with this glorious scene, the Game of Thrones trailer ends with Jon Snow whispering the following words:
“The Great War… is here.” Holy shit.
Aside from riding a rollercoaster or having short but meaningful sex with your stamina-challenged boyfriend, I never imagined that anything that lasts for one minute and 48 seconds would be able to give people so much joy. Bakit ba ang tagal pa ng July!!!