Question: What can you get for $160 million?

Aside from “a lifetime supply of Skittles” which is my answer, kaya mong ilibre sa Jollibee ng 2-piece chicken with rice ang more or less 40 million na Pilipinong bumoto nitong nakaraang eleksyon. At may pera ka pang natitira para bumili ng peach mango pie! Kung feeling generous ka pwede mo rin i-donate sa bansang Palau kasi as of 2010, ang gastos lang para patakbuhin ang buong bansa ay $100M. May $60M ka pang natitira para magpatayo ng magandang mansyon sa tabi ng beach. Pwede mo ring bayaran si Manny Pacquiao na maging bodyguard mo dahil last year $160M ang kinita niya. Siguro just for fun didibdiban ko lahat ng makasalubong ko sa mall tapos pag nagalit tuturo ko si Manny tapos sasabihin ko, “Ano lalaban ka? Ha? Gusto mong kantahan ka niyan?” Tingin ko may lalaban pa pag sinabi kong sasapakin sila e. Pero pag tinakot mo na kakantahan sila ni Manny ng “Sometimes When We Touch” aatras na yan.

But apparently despite all the glorious things $160M can buy, it can’t get you a good Warcraft movie which is exactly the amount it took to make this disappointment. Buong time na nakaupo ako sa loob ng sinehan iniisip ko yung milyon-milyong mga bata sa Africa na pwede sanang pinakain na lang natin kesa ginawa tong pelikulang to. Early reviews are in and they are terrible. Rotten Tomatoes currently rate it at 22% with one critic describing the movie this way: “Like its ten-foot anti-heroes, ‘Warcraft’ is noisy, lumbering and not terribly bright.” So in other words, para siyang yung kapitbahay mong lasengga na mahilig mag videoke ng “Basang Basa Sa Ulan” kahit sintunado at masarap basain ng kumukulong tubig.

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To be fair, the orcs look amazing. Sadly, that’s the only amazing thing about this movie.

But what exactly is wrong with the movie? I honestly don’t even know where to begin. I think it would be easier to list down what the movie got right because it’s just one thing. If you were wondering how Warcraft the game would look like as a motion picture, I think the movie was able to show us that. So if you are a fan of the games and that is important to you then I guess you can be happy about that. But I think that’s also where the movie fails. Just because it’s inspired by the game, doesn’t mean that it has to look like a video game. Naturally we know that the movie will use extensive CGI to be able to bring to life the orcs and the other magical creatures from the games. Pero ang ginawa nila pati yung environment ginamitan nila ng CGI so it doesn’t feel alive. Even for scenes na nasa labas yung characters, you get the feeling na nasa loob lang sila ng studio somewhere in front of a green screen.

You want to immerse the audience in an expansive universe and you do that by showcasing a living and breathing universe. That’s where movies like the Lord of the Rings and Star Wars succeed. You get the feeling that there’s a vast world out there to explore. Sa Warcraft you are only shown aerial shots of some of the cities but that’s basically it. You have no idea kung gaano ba kalayo sa isa’t isa itong mga lugar na to. The movie fails to immerse you in the world of Warcraft.

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Durotan, apparently a big fan of Bob Marley.

Warcraft has already spawned 5 video games, boardgames, countless novels and comics so kung story ang pag-uusapan, ang daming puwedeng paghugutan ng movie. At it’s core simple lang naman ang kwento ng Warcraft e. Yung mga orcs nilulusob yung mundo ng mga humans because that’s what orcs always do I guess. Seriously, nakanuod ka na ba ng pelikula na iba ang objective ng mga orcs sa buhay? This movie is no different. Yun na ang kwento niya. May masamang orc na leader ng mga orcs na gustong invade yung mundo ng mga tao so pipigilan siya ng king ng mga tao and the valiant hero of the human race. Pero in between those forces merong hybrid na orc-human by the name of Garona played by Paula Patton and a pragmatic orc chieftain named Durotan trying to broker some sort of peace between the two races. So basically parang Lord of the Rings lang but more straightforward at wala na yung Frodo, Sam, and Gollum love triangle.

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The guardian looks like a homeless man who occasionally exposes himself to pedestrians.

But the problem with the movie is that kahit simple lang yung story ang hirap niyang sundan! Hindi ko alam kung dahil ang awkward kasi nung lines or because the movie doesn’t bother to explain certain things about the story. For example, may character known as “The Guardian” and he’s supposed to protect the human world from threats. What kind of threats? Di ko exactly alam kasi ngayon lang naman naintroduce sa orcs ang human world. But he looks and acts like a homeless pedophile and it was never explained who he is aside from his responsibilities. Ano ba yung “guardian” di ba? Ano bang malay natin kung ano yun. Marami na bang guardians noon? Paano niya nakuha yung trabaho na yun? May exam ba para makuha yang trabaho na yan? Requirement ba na magpahaba ng balbas? He eventually turns evil (spoiler alam ko but the movie is shit anyway) but how and why he did is never fully fleshed out. In one scene he’s supposed to ride out with the king to meet the attacking horde pero biglang nawala ulit siya. Tapos malalaman mong andun na ulit siya sa lungga niya somewhere sa mga kaulapan! Ang hirap sundan nung movie. Parang walang rhythm yung pagkaka-edit it just jumps from one scene to the next.

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Parang kumuha lang sila ng nerd na naka cosplay sa Comic Con tapos inalok nilang mag artista.

We also have the guy above who is supposed to be one of the strongest wizards to ever inhabit the Warcraft world pero mukha siyang teenager na binubully sa highschool kasi parang buhok sa kili-kili yung bigote niya. He’s just introduced in the story unceremoniously kasi ineexamine daw niya yung mga patay sa isang garrison sa kwento kasi there’s something weird about them. The movie doesn’t bother to explain who he is and exactly what he is, the characters around him just treat him with hostility but we don’t fully understand why. It’s like we’re supposed to understand everything about this world right away. You can’t just say that someone’s a “guardian” and expect the audience to fully grasp that information. Hindi naman lahat naglalaro ng Warcraft e. Malay ba natin kung anong significance nun diba?

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Take away everything that was great about the character of Aragorn but leave the beard and you have Lothar.

The acting is also less than stellar. While I wouldn’t say that it’s wooden since mukha namang todo bigay yung mga artista but they just feel for a lack of a better term, awkward. Lothar, the main protagonist played by Travis Fimmel seems like an uncharismatic version of Aragorn with a tendency to either overact during certain scenes while underplaying emotional ones. He has this emotional scene with Paula Patton’s character Garona which implies romance but they never really kiss or anything and during their next interaction we’re supposed to believe na there’s something between them already. He literally just met the person yesterday! And we’re talking about someone who’s half-orc! Hindi ba may mental barrier dun na kailangan mo muna i-cross bago ka mainlove sa someone na hindi mo man lang same species? Yung babae nga lang na ayaw ng pamilya mo minsan mapapaisip ka na kung dapat mo bang mahalin e. Yung babaeng kulay green pa na may pangil?!

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If anything, I hope this movie serves as Paula Patton’s audition tape for the role of She-Hulk. Yun nga lang lagi na lang siyang kulay green.

And speaking of Garona na ang tatay daw ay human at ang nanay ay orc, can you imagine how horny his dad must have been to actually sleep with an orc woman? I don’t know if this counts as racism since we’re talking about a fictional race, but how horny can you be to have sex with an orc??? Hindi na nga to matter of race e hindi lang naman kulay yung iba. Yung itsura ibang iba na e! An orc woman looks like she’s strong enough to rip your dick in half bakit mo naman isusugal yun??? Wala akong pakialam kung si Pia Wurtzbach ng mga orcs yung nanay ni Garona ah hindi na tao yan e!

But who are we kidding? Ang gusto lang naman natin makita dito ay yung battle between orcs and humans di ba? That’s what Warcraft is all about after all. Unfortunately although there are some cool set pieces, they don’t compensate for the rest of the movie. There’s nothing here that we haven’t seen before in other movies. There’s nothing here that LOTR or The Hobbit haven’t done before but in a much better and more effective manner. The fight scenes aren’t that great either. Just the typical hack and slash you see in most movies. Walang special choreography like Legolas had in that other orcs versus humans series of movies. I know some of my complaints about Warcraft can probably be fixed by watching it again and paying more attention. But the thing is, ang hirap rin kasing gawin yun because in the end we really don’t care for these characters and we just lose interest in the story altogether. There’s just too much going on but nothing really feels important.

Iniisip ko talaga kung gagawa pa ko ng review ng Warcraft since wala naman ako halos na magandang sasabihin tungkol sa movie. I’m sure some people will watch this and like it and might be offended by my dislike of it, especially those who are fans of the games. To those people, let’s just agree to disagree. Baka you see something in it that I don’t. Or maybe it’s the opposite; maybe I see too much. But to those who haven’t seen it and you’re reading this and you still wanna give the movie a try, I suggest you do. My favorite thing about watching a movie is the experience. If it’s a good movie, then I leave with a happy feeling. If it’s bad, I leave the movie house with something to laugh about with my friends. If you’re curious and you have 2 hours to spare, then go. Pero kung ako sayo, ipang-Jollibee mo na lang yang 200 pesos mo. May peach mango pie ka pa.

 

3.5/10. Perfect movie to watch kung gusto mong makipag-break sa girlfriend mo. Sabihin mo nakikita mo yung relasyon niyo sa pelikulang Warcraft. May mali at dapat nang ihinto.  #hugot

 

Want to read more reviews? Like my Facebook page for updates on the latest TV and movie reviews: 

https://www.facebook.com/reyviewph/

 

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